Wednesday, February 10, 2016

200,000 Hits / Thank You

The blog just crossed 200,000 hits. I don't know what that means. I've replayed the number in my hundreds of times now trying to think of what it means exactly. Here is what I've concluded. If I had gone on to doctoral school and published some papers in a sociology quarterly as an academic, even if I was a good one, 200,000 people would never have read what I had to say. In some ways, I feel really vindicated knowing that.

I don't really have words to describe how grateful I am to know people read this. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone is ever reading. I tell myself that when I write. It's the only way I can suspend all of the deep-seeded insecurities I have long enough to write something and hit publish. The whole Justified Arrogance moniker is a big joke. Anybody who knows me, knows I am the most insecure and self-conscious person you'll ever meet. If someone had told me my writing was no good when I started, I would have stopped.

If you guys will indulge me for a moment, I'll tell you a story about how Justified Arrogance came to be and why knowing people reading this means so much to me.

I started writing Justified Arrogance in August of 2014. I didn't do it trying to make a name in journalism. I didn't do it because I wanted to flex knowledge on people. I didn't do it to groom future hardcore kids and punks. No. The original reason I started Justified Arrogance was because I needed it.

In July 2014, I came back to my parents' house in Maryland after spending three months in Los Angeles. It was in Los Angeles that I lost myself, was beaten with verbal abuse almost daily, I realized I was in love and then had to deal with the heartbreak of losing that person. At my parents' house, decompressing and in social isolation, I began to unravel. I was trying to cope while facing the growing pressure of finishing writing my TV series. All the while, I tried desperately and hopelessly to prove my love was worth acceptance. I fell into my own subconscious. I had nothing left. Do you know when you have nothing? When yesterday never existed, you're numb to today, and tomorrow is just a word.

I spent most of August 2014 waiting by the phone. When you know why you're waiting for someone to call, it feels like forever. Prisons come in many shapes and forms. Waiting by the phone for a call you don't think is coming is one I don't wish on anyone. Much in the way inmates wait for the day their time will come for freedom from their prisons, I tried finding anything to pass the time. I saw a thread on some social media group for younger kids looking for new music. I had a ton of music on my computer and nothing but time so I started posting links with brief explanations of the bands. That was honestly it. The thread got deleted and kids kept messaging me for links. I had a leftover blog and took what I was doing there. As pathetic as this sounds, that kept me going for that month. I started writing about bands I had grown up with like Power Trip and Iron Age. The blog got more personal. And that was that, I had a format. 

All a writer ever has are words. That's it. We do our best with what language allows us to use to make our feelings and convictions clear. Most of the time it is because we fail to make those clear across other avenues. We're mutes that life afforded us an outlet to. At the end of the day, all they are is just words. People give those words life. They laugh and cry and discuss what you've written and that means those words don't just exist in your head or on paper anymore. Your words connected with someone. For someone who doesn't feel connected with almost anyone, knowing that my words connected with someone, now and after I'm gone, matters.

Justified Arrogance wasn't a claim I made to be cocky. It was a claim I made to stay alive. That sounds stupid but I can't sit here and tell you I would have survived that first month without it. I escaped back to Dallas in October 2014 where I used the writing from here to get a freelance gig with the Dallas Observer. I used that to get noticed by Noisey and used that to make friends east where I would move to in January 2015. Justified Arrogance gave me a reason to want to live again.

Special thanks to Jay Chary, Hayden Robertson, and Jakke Sullivan for contributing to this blog. Thank you to Riley Gale, Matthew Adis, Jake Ballesteros, Luke Kislak for doing interviews and profiles with us. Thanks to anyone who has ever consulted on a list. Thank you to the other blogs who share our link. Lastly, thank you to the kid who recognized me in line for the Isterismo after show during New York's Alright last year. You told me you liked my writing and it was the first time a stranger ever acknowledged any of this. Between that and the company I was with, it was honestly the best feeling I will ever have, so thank you.

Thank you to anyone who has ever read this, shared it with anyone, that loved or hated it

- James Khubiar